Showing Up

Yesterday was one of those days. I felt strong and lean (it's seriously relative) when I woke up. But when I paired my turquoise yoga top with black and red yoga pants... and rationalized that "it felt right," things began to roll rapidly downhill. Yes, the pants felt right, because that particular pair never decides it would be hysterical to expose my sloppy lower belly mid-chair pose. But the color combo was off, and even though I avoid mirrors... I do occasionally look down at myself, especially in downward dog, when I aim them toward my navel, pretending it's visible beyond my boobs. That's not drishti. It's second sight. The studio was crazy hot, and I had a series of severe and inexplicable head rushes coupled with a general queasy feeling throughout class. I sat down once, regrouped a few other times, sweated like a rainforest, but managed to keep going. I would have been happy to locate my comfort zone in yesterday's practice I think I left it at home. Not that it was any harder than usual. It was just harder for me. Every day is so different.

The disappointing thing was that I felt so lumpy. When I looked in the locker room mirror, all I saw was persistent fat. I battled the temptation to listen to the naysayers in my life and dump this Kind Diet/vegan adventure as a bad idea. I do feel thinner on the inside, but externally I look pale and doughy to myself. Yesterday anyway.

I have enough experience with my own body issues to know that what changes from one day to the next is my gaze, not my thighs. It took a long time to pack this weight on. It won't be easy to take off. But there's no reason I can't do it. I'm still working very hard to adapt to my new lifestyle -- not that I've strayed. I haven't eaten an animal product since January 1. It's only been three weeks. Still, I fear being the world's first obese vegan yogini.

Some days you just need specific measurable results. Like new jeans or the surprise ability to cartwheel up Amsterdam. When all you've got is Be Present pants that refuse to stay tied near your navel, and a clumsy trudge to the Columbus Avenue bus stop with a 20 oz. (vegan) Coke Zero, you have to surrender the day and show up tomorrow. On faith.

Guruji says "practice and all is coming." I would pay extra for express shipping. But since that option is not available, I'm going to have to show up again today just because I said I would -- and, without landmarks, trust that I'm heading in the right direction.

Anybody who thinks that's easy, never really tried.